Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Loss

Most people don't blog about this sort of thing, but I need to talk about it, so I will. I just had a miscarriage. The baby I've been longing for for quite some time decided it was not time to make an appearance yet. I'm devastated.

I started bleeding last week, that's why my mom was here to help me, I stayed off my feet and took it super easy, but it was too late. The doctor thinks the baby didn't grow for long and it took until last week for my body to get rid of it. But, I had stopped bleeding several days ago and was feeling like I still had some morning sickness, so I got my hopes up that all was well. It wasn't.

I had this cute blog all planned to announce my pregnancy. Pictures of the pregnancy test and everything. The plans for the nursery and Beth's room were already under way. My lists of baby names are extensive. And most of all, I just felt a lot of love already for the tiny being inside me. I'm so sad.

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and that everything will workout the way its supposed to, but its still hard. I know millions of people have survived it before, and I will too, but it still stinks. I just feel like I've been waiting for a long time for this baby already, and now the wait continues. And now, of course, I have fear that this could happen again, but I know I can't worry about it, but that's easier said than done.

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out with help and love and encouragement. I don't know how I would do this without my wonderful support system. I apologize in advance for my lack of being productive and helpful at all this week, and for all the crying you will probably see me do. Its how I cope.

14 comments:

Mara & Austin said...

Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. By the look on your face when I drdopped Beth off, I thought that this was the case. I am truly sad for you. Whatever I can do to lighten your load, please let me know.

Summer said...

I am so sorry. There's nothing I can say that will make it easier. Just know that you're in our prayers. What a difficult week!

Fiddlefish said...

Oh, Diane. I am so, so sorry. We will be thinking of you and Ryan.

ellen said...

Diane I'm so sad for you, wish I could help.

emily said...

Oh Diane, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do or say, but since I know there isn't, I'll just say how awful you must feel, and you have all the right in the world to cry as long as you want. We don't mind a bit.

Tiffanie said...

I was hoping the bleeding was just something simple. I am so sorry. I keep debating back and forth in my head about pregnancy. I can't shake the fact that I could be right now and of course our crazy minds won't let us relax. I don't worry about being pregnant although I didn't plan on it right now. My biggest fear is that I could be pregnant with this IUD and it could lead to a miscarriage. I don't know how I would handle those emotions. My sister lost hers at 6 mths and it was awful. But I told my husband that it doesn't matter if it is 9 mths or 9 weeks, I would feel the same loss. I have my baby named inside me as soon as I find out and the bond has been created. Yes, people have gone through it before, but we never think it will be us. I don't know how to help you, but I do think it is good for you to talk about it and cry as much as you need to. Until my sisters stillborn I took my healthy pregnancy for granted. It was her 3rd and I was on bedrest with my 3rd, and we both had perfect pregnancies with our first two. Now I know I will worry throughout pregnancy no matter how much the doctor tells us not to. There is a greater plan that we don't understand and when your next baby is born you will be stronger for going through it.

em said...

That just plain sucks! Let me know if you need more cookies.

Mishqueen said...

My Di,
I suspected that was why your mom was there, but I HOPED that it was not. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost him. :( I love you and I wish I were there to hug you right now, and hold your head in my lap until you are okay again.
{hug}

Jon, Amber, Caleb, and Skyler said...

I'm so sorry Di. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I wish you both the best as you pull through this. I know you will and it will make you both stronger as well! Best wishes.

Stacey said...

Oh honey! I am so so sorry that you are dealing with all of this! Know that you are definitely loved. Please let me know if I can do anything for you (other than staying away until my family is healthy... ha ha.) Seriously though, you should not feel embarrased about being sad about this. As fellow mothers we all can sympathize with what this must be like and we love you and send you all of our prayers and best wishes!

Brynnly and Alan said...

Oh Diane, I am so sorry! My heart is broken for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if I can ever do anything for you. You are in our prayers.

Phillip and Mary Brough said...

You are amazing.

Nicole said...

I am so sorry for you pain and loss Diane. It is sad & hard no matter what we know and hang on too. If you need help please let me know.

Vince said...

Diane, sending love your way. I am sorry about your miscarriage and I'm so glad you talked about it. I always had people tell me that having other kids at home makes it easier, and I guess in some ways it does, but it still is a loss and it still hurts. So love ya. You're a beautiful gal. Hang in there!
Vanica