Wednesday, September 14, 2011

How I'm feeling

I'm sure you will all get tired of me talking about Diabetes, but it is kind of my life now, so deal with it. :) I've just been thinking a lot today about how the last week has impacted my life and how to describe it. I'm not sure there is an accurate description, but here's what I came up with.

An easy life is like a brisk walk on a beautiful day, something you want to do and look forward to.

Life before all of this, just regular life with three small kids, tough but not too hard. Like maybe a tough jog on a beautfiul day. The scenery is still great, the sun is still shining, but sometimes you are too tired to run, but you can make it through.

The last week has felt like a tough jog through mud up to your waist. Its exhausting. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Sometimes you feel like you can't go another step. But, then you do. One step at a time until your strong enough to run through the mud. All along the sun is still shining and the scenery is still amazing, but its hard to notice it because you are too overwhelmed with the mud. You know? Does any of this make sense?

And its not really that bad, I guess this makes it sound pretty awful. For the most part we are doing amazingly well considering. James is still adjusting pretty well, Ryan and I are getting the hang of the insulin routine and I'm even getting better at counting carbs, making real dinners and everything. But in the back of mind I'm still always a little overwhelmed with my new responsibilities. I've always felt like I didn't have a strong grasp on the responsibilities I had just being a mom to young kids, so now there is just that much more to try to deal with. I've had to let a lot of other things slide in my life for a while until I feel like I can at least walk through the mud and not end up crawling. But considering its only been 1 week (wow, it feels like so much longer than that) I think we are doing pretty well.

The hardest thing right now is teaching James that he can't eat all the time. He's always been a grazer, snacking his way through the day. Well, he can't do that now. I've tried to make the transition as easy as I can, but its tricky and yesterday we had a bad day. He was sad and cranky all day because he didn't understand why he couldn't have what he always has. Ryan sat him down today and tried to explain and he's done a little better, but its still tough. I'm sure he'll grasp it eventually and get used to the new routine, but until then, I just have to be strong. I've been a pushover with him all week because I feel bad and i'm tired, so now he's getting used to that and I've got to stand my ground and do what's best for him. Being a mom is hard sometimes. But, like I said, we will make it. I'll learn how to run in the mud and it'll make me a stronger person. Eventually I might not even notice the mud so much and be able to appreciate the scenery again. I will. I know I will.

But for now, if I fall in the mud occasionally, just pick me back up and tell me to keep walking.


Emily said...

I think you're doing amazingly well. At least it appears that way to me from afar. Plus, it won't be too many years before he can be in charge of his own insulin and eating habits and then you're home free! :)

jennybrum said...

Give yourself a few months and it will just feel like a normal part of your routine. You will still have bad diabetes days sometimes, but it won't feel like it rules your whole life like it does at the first. It will be ok! You guys are doing great!

Dan and Donna said...

Diane, this is a wonderful post! I was amazed at how well you were able to describe how you felt like your life was going right now! The description is a very visual one and one that almost anyone can understand who has even been through a little bit of what you describe. I do remember that when Darryl came home ill that I felt a bit like you are describing, but it was a a bit easier as he was older. We keep you and your family in our prayers every day and hopefully in some small way that will help you when you feel really alone with these problems. We had a nice trip yesterday to Tom's funeral (Mollies husband) all of dad's brothers and sisters were there except Dorothy who lives in Omaha. Love you lots, mom

Rob & Tiffanie said...

I think that was the perfect description. I keep walking along and wondering if and when I am going to get stuck in the mud. It is hard to see people go through these situations and wonder how you can help them and also why did it affect them and not me this time. 3-4 olds are so moddy as it is I can't imagine a change like this to their routine. It stinks, but he will get used to it as well as you guys. Sucks that you have to though. MAybe your trials are done for this lifetime huh? And mine wills crew me over in another 10 years or so:)

Dan and Donna said...

Diane, how are things going at your house? Hopefully much better. We are seriously considering that trip to Yellowstone., When is that supposed to happen? Love you all and hope everyone is well! mom