Friday, March 2, 2012
I just had one of those moments. You know, the moments where you realize you have become the worst version of yourself. I'm not usually that bad. I have more of a temper with my kids than I ever thought I would, but lately I've been doing better. I've been making an effort to interact with my kids more, because I realize they are better behaved when I do. And I've been exercising a lot, which helps my mood and helps me take out my aggression. But today was bad. Kate was throwing the worst tantrum she has ever thrown, so of course that already had me on edge. Ryan put her in her room and I went searching for a binky to help calm her down. I couldn't find one! So I was more upset. I went in Beth's room to look for it, and it was a disaster, strike 3 I was almost nuclear at this point. Then I see Beth walk out of the bathroom without flushing, something we've been working on with Beth and James for months now. And that just sent me over the edge. I screamed at poor Beth, who wasn't even the instigator in all the terror. Then I finally found a binky and went to give it to Kate, only to have her scream in my face and throw it and everything else she could reach at me. At that point, I slammed her door and came down stairs and started viciously throwing laundry in baskets and toys in drawers. Ryan finally went upstairs to deal with Kate and sent me to my room to cool down, and then I sobbed. I'm not sure I've ever cried that hard in my whole life. Body wracking sobs. I prayed while I was crying. I don't want to be like this. Ever. I should be able to handle a 2-year-olds tantrums. So, as unpleasant of a moment as that was, everyone has to have a rock bottom moment sometimes. Time to start over and do better this time. I had a nice long talk/cry with Beth and apologized for my behavior, luckily she forgives me. Kate has finally settled down and is going to sleep for her nap. A few more deep breaths and we might make it through this day. I will be a better person now. I have to. My kids deserve much better.